I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
