mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
