I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
