I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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