who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
