it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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