Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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