I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
