if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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