I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
