I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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