I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
