I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Your dad touched me again.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
