There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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