"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you guys were way drunker than both of me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
