Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
