My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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