Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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