Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't turn off my feet"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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