Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
