i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I forget how to act sober
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
