maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
