I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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