i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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