It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
