can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
