You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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