Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
