forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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