i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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