So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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