According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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