What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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