rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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