Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
