my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
