Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
