And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
