There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
