Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
