Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
