I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
