Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
