how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we're making bets on your personal life
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
