Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
