you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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