we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
