you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
