How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
