Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
