yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
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