i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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