this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
