I think my fart just growled at me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
